*Special Friday edition
Tim Hardaway, 1997 Upper Deck
It was late in the game and the Gay Team had just taken a one-point lead. Tim Hardaway wasn’t havin’ it. With the force and gusto of Rock Hudson, Hardaway grabbed the ball, and rushed it up the court. He weaved in and out of traffic like a ballet dancer – not the gay kind, though…that would be gay – and drove the lane, being careful not to accidentally brush up against any member of the opposing team. What Tim Hardaway had in store for the Gay Team was a devastating finger roll that put his team – The Heterosexual Heat – up by a point. Unfortunately, Tim Hardaway’s anxiousness to respond to the Gay Team’s lead had left 26 seconds on the clock, an eternity in basketball – enough time, in fact, to watch “Brokeback Mountain” like, eight times. The Gay Team got the ball back, and they took their sweet time bringing it upcourt, wasting precious seconds in an attempt to get the last shot. Tim Hardaway thought that maneuver was gay, and he hated it! He would have fouled one of them to stop the clock, but, well…ya’ know. Anyway, with 1.3 seconds left, one of the guys on the Gay Team – who will remain anonymous – hit a floater (figures) to win it. The Gay Team celebrated in vintage gay fashion – with hugs and butt slaps. Tim Hardaway was furious, and felt like he had let down the entire homophobic community, which consisted of him, and Alabama. Final score: Heat 99 Gays 100. Hardaway would say after the game, “The Gays worked really well together…probably cause they’re so gay.” He then begged a female reporter to have sex with him right there on the spot, so he could, as he put it, “Get the bad taste of this loss out of my mouth.” She refused, so Hardaway instead went back to his hotel and rented “Chicago,” just so he could make fun of it.
Did you know?
Tim Hardaway voted for Ruben.
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